Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Little Brother

So I don't even know where to start with this one. I guess I could start with cancer can BITE ME. I mentioned before that my brother's cancer came back. Not surprising being he puts tons of poison in his body. Regardless, that fact doesn't make it all hurt any less. I love him. Most of all, I miss him. Yes, he is still "with us", but he has been a lost soul for a really long time. I know I have no real control over him, but after writing that last sentence, I can't help feeling like I failed him. I mean, he was "my person" & I was his.

I need to explain/unload. We are about 2 years apart. We shared a room growing up. We shared friends. We were even roommates as "adults". He was pretty much my best friend. Before our mother died there was major chaos in our house. There was  physical violence, screaming, a sick mother in & out of the hospital, dad gone a lot, parents constantly fighting at night,  "other" women calling/writing my mom, older brother & sister in & out, etc....Anyway, it was nuts & extremely difficult for young children to understand.  All I know was Paul & I kept each other safe. I remember nights we would hug each other crying, telling each other it would be OK, while listening to our parents fight. Don't get me wrong, Paul & I fought like crazy. We were around each other waaaay too much, but don't you dare mess with one of us! That's how all 4 of us siblings are...still.

So! After all of our mom died, needless to say, it was beyond horrible. What stability & safety we did have, was gone. It left with our mother's body shutting down. Not that you can ever really prepare yourself to lose a loved one, but Paul & I were blind sighted!  Seriously, right before finding out, I was at recess on top of the monkey bars telling my bff, Matt Neher, that she would be OK. When we walked inside, in our single filed line, I saw my dad in the pricipal's office. My thought was, "My mom is home!!!!". She had been in the hospital, again, & we had just visited with her the night before. When my dad told me she was gone I laughed. Then I thought, "wait, that's not funny". I went into shock. They took us to a back room, I sat on the floor up against a wall & the prinipal (or whoever, my brain was spinning) went to grab my brother out of class. As soon as he walked in he looked into my eyes & started crying, "NOOO". That's when I broke down crying.

Not too long after our dad started remodeling the house. To be honest there is too much to write today, but long story short, Paul & I weren't only "abandoned" by our mother, but our father too. He wasn't around to help us cope. He couldn't cope, so how would he help us?? Our older sister & brother tried like hell to take care of us. They were 20 & 22 though...and just lost their mother too! My point is that Paul was "my person" & I was his. The sad part is that we didn't have any of the tools to cope. Because of that, we made each other laugh. It worked though & even though I now have more tools, laughter is my favorite.

Paul was my home. Whenever I felt lost I knew I could talk or hang with him. He was my best friend. Then about 10 years ago, drugs took my place. We both self medicated through drugs & alcohol, but Paul got too deep. I think that maybe since he tried to stay light about things (unless drunk) he never dealt with any of his anger/pain. Then he caused all kinds of guilt with his addiction & it's just been a vicious cycle. Try to "do right", hate yourself because of what the addict Paul has done. Start using again to numb the pain.

I said earlier that I feel like I failed him. I mean, I was his person, right?! The one that kept him safe, right? Right?! I know my older siblings feel the same way. Love you, Debbie. The truth is, we were/are all still struggling with our own sanity. All we can do is be his backup in his fight with life. We can't fight for him. God knows all of us wish we could.

Now. What do we do now? Our little brother has cancer. Cancer!! You know, cause the addiction wasn't fucked up enough. OK, deep breath, everything really does happen for a reason. We live. We love him. We support him unconditionally. Yes, unconditionally. We have all fought so hard, banging our head against a brick wall, trying to get him clean & on board with fighting for his life. Well you know what, it thus far (10 years) has not worked. Now he has advanced cancer. We don't know how advanced yet, but it's not good. We don't have time to keep banging our head against a brick wall. Paul is "with us" now. Right now we need to just love the hell out of him. None of us agree with his using, but in the big picture, it's not as important as being able to spend time with him now. As crazy as my family is, I also love a lot about us. We are all very passionate, stubborn, analytical, artistic & crazy. All of these can be both good and bad;) I do know that right now my family is trying to come together to help all of us cope.

I want to give my big sis props. I talk to her everyday, almost, & I think we have some pretty good therapy sessions;). I love you, Debbie.


  1. (((I LOVE YOU!))) ... Could I have at least gotten to drink my coffee before bawling like a baby? Thanks,however... I think the tears are helping the sty ;]