Obstacles vs. strength

So I woke up cuddling with my 3 year old thinking about my mom today. My phone was close, so I grabbed it to write this. Cuddling with one of my lil strength boosters still actually. A few days before Christmas I went to my best friend's family gathering. Her brother asked me how my brother was doing. I said not well since he was doing drugs & avoiding loved ones. His response was, "Ya can't blame him, can you?" I could have simply said, " Yeah, I get it.", but I didn't. I instantly said that I can blame him, that he has a child. I then went into how my mother died of cancer and didn't hide behind drugs OR booze. I pretty much went into what a badass she was. Don't get me wrong, I "understand" the thinking behind my brother doing drugs & avoiding fear/pain. I did the same thing for a very long time. Me writing this isn't about judging my brother's choices though. What my brother does & how he does it is his choice. It doesn't matter if I like it or not. Well, it matters to me, but that's life. We can't control all parts of it. My reason for writing was to share how that small conversation sparked many thoughts about my mom.

So let's talk about my mom. She died in April of '89. I had just turned 11 & was dealing with the whole fun puberty thing too. Hell, I had my first "aunt flow visit" a couple weeks after she died. That was interesting. My point is that the moments as a little girl, where I needed my mom still, started immediately. I've missed her on a pretty constant basis, hence the drowning of my emotions (didn't have a father around to help there unfortunately for all 4 of us siblings). I didn't think it was possible to miss her more until I had my first child. I had so many questions & needed so much support, but it wasn't available to me. I suffered through bad postpartum depression & just wanted my mom. It also stirred up thoughts of "oh my gosh, I can't imagine the threat of death while being a mother!!", like what my mom went through. I was reading the book "Motherless Daughters" during the many many hours of nursing my firstborn. It helped me to understand some of my emotions. Great book.

Anyway, after having my second child, my missing my mom just grew. Marital issues grew in my house (I wanted my mom), I had two boys that depended on me & I was still battling my demons. I fought though. I fought HARD. I, for a long time, had felt like there was so much learning I missed out on as a motherless daughter. I did, but I gained such a KILLER gift from my mom as well. She taught me that no matter how hard life got, fight, like, HELL! She fought tooth & nail for her kids and I can't let that go completely in vain. I also learned it can be done. I'm grateful to have gotten that stubbornness she had. My kids are my WORLD & I thank God I have them. They not only sparked my strength to fight my past from holding me back, but have helped me to realize I should love myself too. That we all, as a family, deserve to be happy. I'm thankful for my other strength boosters too. My sister, my best girl, my husband & others that come in my life to share their wisdom on obstacles vs strength.

This wasn't me bragging on my strengths either. I have many moments of shedding tears & wishing I was a "better mommy". I think we all have those moments. I'm just saying that I gained something great from my mom. Strength to never back down from obstacles in life. Not the ones that threaten my family's happiness, I mean.

Now here I am about to have my first daughter...ohhhh myyyyy, what emotions will stir now? ;) Kidding, I know a few. They're the reasons I believed I would only have boys! Regardless of what they are, I will learn from them. That means growth & I love growth. I will have many questions still, for my mom, but I was a little kid once. I have to just be the parent to them, that I needed for myself.

I'm not angry, I'm...

HURT! I am hurt because I feel deceived. Not just by my husband, but by life. While writing that I realized John didn't deceive me. He had no idea who he would become once the kids came and he also had no idea he would work a 20-something year old's job (5:30pm-6:30/7:00am bartender). I'm still feeling very ripped off. I remember a moment that was huge for me. I mean HUGE! I was crying about my past, my family, my upbringing & John told me, "The cycle ends here". We were living in Decatur and he had just recently proposed. That was huge for me. I actually thought, "Oh my gosh, is this really happening? To me??!". I believed it to be true. I/he was wrong. Not only did the cycle not end with him/us, it seems worse than even my childhood. So not OK for our beautiful, innocent boys.

I wish I could figure out how to chill on my anger toward him. My little "oh" moment above may help. Who am I so upset with then? Me? God? Both? Everybody?

I have total faith that God knows what He's doing, but damn! I thought I found some safety finally. Somebody that made facing all of my demons worth it. Somebody I was safe to spill my guts to. SOMEBODY TO CREATE LIFE WITH! For 4 yrs now I've been thinking "This will pass. We will be OK once we get through this hard time."  "It's depression"  "It's his job"  "we never get date night"  "It's fucking demons".  I've gone every desperate route. That's it though...desperation. Or it's all the above. Whatever it is, it sucks. There is nothing between us. Nothing good at least. No passion, nothing in common, no conversation, no smiles, no flirting, no love, no laughter, no support AND no TRUST. John threw that last one way out the damn window.

OK, OK, OK, where are we now. Well I, assuming we, are in a place of exception. Excepting that we are absolutely on our way to divorce. It's not what either of us wants, but things can't go this way. I'm waiting on our kids to be older & he just doesn't want to be seen as the dad that walked away. We aren't still together because we just love each other so much we want to work it out. I don't think LOVE has been a factor for a long time. I can't speak for him, but I know I've wanted love back in the picture. I miss "Big John". I miss the man I married. Unfortunately, I think there is just way too much resentment running through my veins & that man has been gone for way too long. It would take a "walk on water" miracle to save my marriage at this point. I believe in those, but....

Alright...I'm done for now.

Postpartum Depression

You know, I've been seeing quite a bit of stories about a parent, usually mom, killing their baby. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart for sooooo many reasons. #1, I wish somebody saved that poor child! I also feel for the parent. Not always, but usually, it had to be due to ignored PPD. It was either ignored by the parent or a close loved one. If the parent "ignores" it, it's because they are scared of being judged. Scared their child will be taken from them. They also truly believe they would never hurt their child. The people close to them just don't understand how serious this type of depression can be. 

I can say this from experience. I'm lucky that I did have people I was comfortable talking to. People that understood I was a mother that loved her child with all of her heart. When I was pregnant with my 2nd little angel, I was scared. Scared as hell. I knew I couldn't go without professional help. I didn't know before getting pregnant again that it would most likely be worse on the second round. I also was dealing with my son, whom I've said before, is more than a handful. I was dealing with his out of control tantrums, night terrors, worrying about his tics & the fact that he stopped talking for a year @15 months. Anyway, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Long story short, I started therapy & went from there. Best thing I ever did.

I also want to mention that I know it's easy for loved ones to "ignore" that you need help. Everytime I told my husband I needed help or that I was scared, he told me I'd be fine. Said I wouldn't do anything stupid. That's the thing. Nobody usually thinks they are capable of harming someone. Forget about that someone being your beautiful child. The sad thing is, is that you DON'T know that. Go for long enough under enough stress on not enough sleep, you can snap. All it takes is a few seconds. You snap & don't even know what just happened.

I remember before becoming a mom how I wanted to burn these mothers at the stake. Now I hate that nobody listened or they didn't reach out. It breaks my heart. Not even to mention these poor kids!!! Ugh!

OK, I'm done. I'm done for now. It's just sad. I swear my next post will be more on the positive side;)

Well Hello

It is so funny to actually hear the things you say sometimes. Like giving advice & realizing it applies to you.  I have an issue with control. I don't mean I'm bossy, but I like to be in control of my surroundings. I want stability & a safe environment.  Who doesn't? I try so hard to make a certain person I love very much fight to be happy. Realistically I know that only he can do that, but I still drain my energy, that I lack anyway, to push him to fight. I've told myself to stop, my big sis reminds me & my best girl, but I still do it. OH, & my therapist:)

I was having a talk with Luke about this little shithead, in preschool, that punched him in the gut yesterday. He has complained about him a lot, but yesterday pissed me off. What mom wouldn't get mad;) He told me he (the mean kid) is always angry. I was trying to explain to him that some kids are mean or sad and there was nothing much he could do to make him happy.  He kept telling me that he wanted to make him happy/nice :(  I said, "you can't make him be nice, sweetie". Right when I said that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've logically always know that, but have had a hard time accepting it. I'm sure I'll continue to let it "slip" my mind again, but for now it's helpful.

Anyway, I will continue to grow in the direction of happiness & gratitude. I pray the ones I love will grow with me.

why would you mess with ma boy?