Thursday, October 20, 2011

I'm not angry, I'm...

HURT! I am hurt because I feel deceived. Not just by my husband, but by life. While writing that I realized John didn't deceive me. He had no idea who he would become once the kids came and he also had no idea he would work a 20-something year old's job (5:30pm-6:30/7:00am bartender). I'm still feeling very ripped off. I remember a moment that was huge for me. I mean HUGE! I was crying about my past, my family, my upbringing & John told me, "The cycle ends here". We were living in Decatur and he had just recently proposed. That was huge for me. I actually thought, "Oh my gosh, is this really happening? To me??!". I believed it to be true. I/he was wrong. Not only did the cycle not end with him/us, it seems worse than even my childhood. So not OK for our beautiful, innocent boys.

I wish I could figure out how to chill on my anger toward him. My little "oh" moment above may help. Who am I so upset with then? Me? God? Both? Everybody?

I have total faith that God knows what He's doing, but damn! I thought I found some safety finally. Somebody that made facing all of my demons worth it. Somebody I was safe to spill my guts to. SOMEBODY TO CREATE LIFE WITH! For 4 yrs now I've been thinking "This will pass. We will be OK once we get through this hard time."  "It's depression"  "It's his job"  "we never get date night"  "It's fucking demons".  I've gone every desperate route. That's it though...desperation. Or it's all the above. Whatever it is, it sucks. There is nothing between us. Nothing good at least. No passion, nothing in common, no conversation, no smiles, no flirting, no love, no laughter, no support AND no TRUST. John threw that last one way out the damn window.

OK, OK, OK, where are we now. Well I, assuming we, are in a place of exception. Excepting that we are absolutely on our way to divorce. It's not what either of us wants, but things can't go this way. I'm waiting on our kids to be older & he just doesn't want to be seen as the dad that walked away. We aren't still together because we just love each other so much we want to work it out. I don't think LOVE has been a factor for a long time. I can't speak for him, but I know I've wanted love back in the picture. I miss "Big John". I miss the man I married. Unfortunately, I think there is just way too much resentment running through my veins & that man has been gone for way too long. It would take a "walk on water" miracle to save my marriage at this point. I believe in those, but....

Alright...I'm done for now.

1 comment:

  1. Honey...please please call me if you need to talk to someone. You know I recently (february) finalized my divorce from my ex husband and it was one of the hardest things I had to do...even though it was the right thing. I am so sorry.