My heart

My heart is in a billion pieces right now. I can also feel this fireball of emotions whirling around in my soul, wanting to fly out of my mouth, eyes, ears, pores... 

I'm now not in the room with our brother, Paul. Tallulah needs help getting a nap and I can't stay alone in my head at the moment, so I write. John is on his way to take the kids...blah blah blah. Time to read some Ram Dass.

Mud Pies, Creeks n Such

More catching up photos. 

This is where I'd like to put some chickens. That way there are two walls already built, right there in the corner.

While the boys were fishing...

When it's warm in January...

Our see-saw.

Catching Up

These past couple of months have been seriously all over the place. I'm feeling like the tornado ride we're on is finally slowing down. That or my head is slowing down more & I'm more capable of dealing with it all. I'm just going to post some catch up photos today. And yes, they will not be in order, but they're all from the past couple months.

My boys got some haircuts recently...by me.

Ok now, THAT is a worm...and a marker stache. 

We burned out tree on New Year's Eve. It looks like a bird!

Merry Christmas, Eve!

I slacked on sending cards & that's ok. I put this together yesterday.

I came back to add last year's. It's crazy how much kids change in a year!

On the negative

I was last talking about installing one of my positive qualities with the kids. Now I'm thinking about all of my fantastic negatives. It's hard to know if it's pms, the holidays, this gloomy day or just the simple fact our life has seasons, but holy CRAP I'm having a rough time this week. It's so up & down. I haven't seen my man in 5 days either. I appreciate him working hard, but I miss him. 

I know I'm making my life harder with how I handle tough times. That one is tricky every 28 days though. Excuses, excuses. Anyway, we take the good with bad. I just don't like the guilt that comes with parenthood when you're having a tough time (transitions, transitions). It keeps us in check, I guess.

My Public Journal

I deactivated my facebook account for the winter. Well, I started a private one (no friends) so I could keep up with local homeschool stuff, but I'm not on there sharing photos etc. 

I like posting photos & going back to scroll through. I used to feel like a dummy, like thinking people don't give a crap. Especially when you see posts about folks being tired of seeing blah blah blah (ex. friends' kids) being posted. So many funny rules. Personally, I don't care unless it's hurtful. There is a lot of that too.

Anyway, I want to continue posting photos of stuff in my life. I know not many people will see this & I'm not looking to be a blogger anyway. 

Cochran Mill Homeschool Day

I go through stages of feeling like a total tool for posting pictures of my day on Facebook. Today is one of them. My husband tells me he gets bummed when I hibernate from there. He likes being able to see what's going on in our day. I like sharing my life with loved ones that aren't around too. I like seeing that sort of stuff too. Blah, blah, blah...

Today we registered, at 5am this morning (thanks Miss T), to go to the Cochran Mill Nature Center's homeschool day. Today was for birds of prey. The boys dig it & I learned some cool stuff too.

They are picking through mice fur for bones here. These mice were once bird food. They had a picture and names of the bones to figure the skeleton out. 

We would usually go for a hike to have lunch by the water, but T was ready for a nap & the boys wanted to get home to put their skeletons together.

Mom. In. Law

This about sums it up. It's a must learn for my husband & I. 

Many Fold Farm

Took the kids to a really cool farm nearby. Thought I'd share some photos. The boys loved it. We took a tour & ate their sheep cheese. It was deliciousness at its best. 

Simplifying

I realized today how I needed to write more often here. Just short little thingies when there isn't much time too. Which is often;)

Anyway, my husband & I started on a big step in the direction of our family yesterday. We worked on simplifying our lives some more. This may sound extreme, but that's what we needed, something extreme. We started packing up all of our kids toys. Now all of them aren't up yet. Still working on it while wearing Tallulah in my ergo. Their outside toys are still outside. We put stuff in the attic & on shelves in the garage.

 We have been discussing our family's happiness a lot lately. Well, for awhile. This constant growth we are doing together. Part of our, as a whole, happiness was being interrupted by bumping heads over cleaning. We always agreed our boys were great kids, but what were we doing wrong. They didn't appreciate their toys, they were always "bored" (we are very hands on parents too) & it was always a huge issue trying to get them to clean or for me to straighten up the house. It all consumed our days & stressed everybody involved, way out. We would take toys away for them to earn back. They didn't care. They had many more. Blah blah blah, after enough fights, we decided we would pack up the toys. The boys eventually helped even. 

We realized our boys were missing out on too many valuable lessons. We were too! I put up more stuff with Boone while Luke was at his nature day camp today. When I told Luke what we had been up to he smiled (possibly not believing me). I explained there would be less cleaning. Better yet, less fighting over cleaning. He was very pleased with the thought of that. John & I too! Not sure what I'd been thinking all this time. My expectations in our kids were insane! I also have to add that they had WAY too many toys. It was insane! I plan to still let them play with toys, but it will be one thing at a time. Like blocks or trains. Whatever they want, but I have to get it. Books will also stay out. I haven't really figured out exactly how I'll do it, but I'm already stoked. Today the boys just played outside & no fighting over toys & no fighting with my boys;) First day of no arguments in awhile. This all seems so silly, but I'm way stoked. More crafts with less cleaning!!

Obstacles vs. strength

So I woke up cuddling with my 3 year old thinking about my mom today. My phone was close, so I grabbed it to write this. Cuddling with one of my lil strength boosters still actually. A few days before Christmas I went to my best friend's family gathering. Her brother asked me how my brother was doing. I said not well since he was doing drugs & avoiding loved ones. His response was, "Ya can't blame him, can you?" I could have simply said, " Yeah, I get it.", but I didn't. I instantly said that I can blame him, that he has a child. I then went into how my mother died of cancer and didn't hide behind drugs OR booze. I pretty much went into what a badass she was. Don't get me wrong, I "understand" the thinking behind my brother doing drugs & avoiding fear/pain. I did the same thing for a very long time. Me writing this isn't about judging my brother's choices though. What my brother does & how he does it is his choice. It doesn't matter if I like it or not. Well, it matters to me, but that's life. We can't control all parts of it. My reason for writing was to share how that small conversation sparked many thoughts about my mom.

So let's talk about my mom. She died in April of '89. I had just turned 11 & was dealing with the whole fun puberty thing too. Hell, I had my first "aunt flow visit" a couple weeks after she died. That was interesting. My point is that the moments as a little girl, where I needed my mom still, started immediately. I've missed her on a pretty constant basis, hence the drowning of my emotions (didn't have a father around to help there unfortunately for all 4 of us siblings). I didn't think it was possible to miss her more until I had my first child. I had so many questions & needed so much support, but it wasn't available to me. I suffered through bad postpartum depression & just wanted my mom. It also stirred up thoughts of "oh my gosh, I can't imagine the threat of death while being a mother!!", like what my mom went through. I was reading the book "Motherless Daughters" during the many many hours of nursing my firstborn. It helped me to understand some of my emotions. Great book.

Anyway, after having my second child, my missing my mom just grew. Marital issues grew in my house (I wanted my mom), I had two boys that depended on me & I was still battling my demons. I fought though. I fought HARD. I, for a long time, had felt like there was so much learning I missed out on as a motherless daughter. I did, but I gained such a KILLER gift from my mom as well. She taught me that no matter how hard life got, fight, like, HELL! She fought tooth & nail for her kids and I can't let that go completely in vain. I also learned it can be done. I'm grateful to have gotten that stubbornness she had. My kids are my WORLD & I thank God I have them. They not only sparked my strength to fight my past from holding me back, but have helped me to realize I should love myself too. That we all, as a family, deserve to be happy. I'm thankful for my other strength boosters too. My sister, my best girl, my husband & others that come in my life to share their wisdom on obstacles vs strength.

This wasn't me bragging on my strengths either. I have many moments of shedding tears & wishing I was a "better mommy". I think we all have those moments. I'm just saying that I gained something great from my mom. Strength to never back down from obstacles in life. Not the ones that threaten my family's happiness, I mean.

Now here I am about to have my first daughter...ohhhh myyyyy, what emotions will stir now? ;) Kidding, I know a few. They're the reasons I believed I would only have boys! Regardless of what they are, I will learn from them. That means growth & I love growth. I will have many questions still, for my mom, but I was a little kid once. I have to just be the parent to them, that I needed for myself.

Whoa...

watching football on a chill day

It's been fo-evah since I wrote here. This will change. Can't write much now due to my boys being home today, but wanted to say, "Hola!" I have recently deactivated my facebook and do not plan to be distracted from life through writing here. The facebook thing feels GREAT! I did do it without collecting some good contact info though. May go back simply to do that. I've been wanting to do that for awhile and finally was inspired from a friend I actually met due to all these social websites;) They can serve their purposes...then I'll move on. So much has happened in the past year. All extremely positive. It helps to truly have faith too. "Bad" situations arose, but I knew (at least I felt I knew) these bad things had to happen in order to get happier outcomes in life. One of the biggest was my husband losing his job. BEST THING EVERRRR. It didn't fully feel that way at first, but I did know that if we, as a team, handled it "right", we would be better than OK. Many struggles were ahead of us, but I got my husband back and I love him more now than I did the day we married. I can safely say this a year later;) He started working months after. I'm very pleased with his new work too. He works during normal hours. Long hours, but normal. Then he will have off for a week with us. He is sooooo much happier too. Everyone in this family is much happier. Working in the film industry has allowed him to work being physical and being creative. Much healthier situation. Enough about that because I'm sure he'll shake his head if he reads this.





More news too. We are definitely moving. Out of the city finally. It's not the beach like we had hoped, but we are going with it. Hopefully new news on that very soon! ALSO, we are expecting a new addition to the Rodgers family! We are halfway to his/her arrival time. We find out the sex very soon. Anyway, I've written longer than I expected to. Oops!

Guess I wasn't kidding...

When I wrote "wearing my heart on my sleeve". I'm glad I do though. I had people reach out that I needed to. Things are tough these days & if you don't put your fears & stresses out there, nobody will know what is going on in your life. Let alone help you. So much has happened since that post. I'm not going to post what...yet, but let's just say a lot is about to change. Unfortunately in the manner of getting our rug ripped out from under us. Nothing I can do to change it. I am about to go in full force to get things right/safe. I need to start focussing on festivals etc too. Time to make some $.

Anyway, it's Halloween & although there is so much throwing my surroundings out of whack, I'm focussed on right now. My boys are excited to dress up, see friends & go trick or treating! I'm excited for them.

I'm not angry, I'm...

HURT! I am hurt because I feel deceived. Not just by my husband, but by life. While writing that I realized John didn't deceive me. He had no idea who he would become once the kids came and he also had no idea he would work a 20-something year old's job (5:30pm-6:30/7:00am bartender). I'm still feeling very ripped off. I remember a moment that was huge for me. I mean HUGE! I was crying about my past, my family, my upbringing & John told me, "The cycle ends here". We were living in Decatur and he had just recently proposed. That was huge for me. I actually thought, "Oh my gosh, is this really happening? To me??!". I believed it to be true. I/he was wrong. Not only did the cycle not end with him/us, it seems worse than even my childhood. So not OK for our beautiful, innocent boys.

I wish I could figure out how to chill on my anger toward him. My little "oh" moment above may help. Who am I so upset with then? Me? God? Both? Everybody?

I have total faith that God knows what He's doing, but damn! I thought I found some safety finally. Somebody that made facing all of my demons worth it. Somebody I was safe to spill my guts to. SOMEBODY TO CREATE LIFE WITH! For 4 yrs now I've been thinking "This will pass. We will be OK once we get through this hard time."  "It's depression"  "It's his job"  "we never get date night"  "It's fucking demons".  I've gone every desperate route. That's it though...desperation. Or it's all the above. Whatever it is, it sucks. There is nothing between us. Nothing good at least. No passion, nothing in common, no conversation, no smiles, no flirting, no love, no laughter, no support AND no TRUST. John threw that last one way out the damn window.

OK, OK, OK, where are we now. Well I, assuming we, are in a place of exception. Excepting that we are absolutely on our way to divorce. It's not what either of us wants, but things can't go this way. I'm waiting on our kids to be older & he just doesn't want to be seen as the dad that walked away. We aren't still together because we just love each other so much we want to work it out. I don't think LOVE has been a factor for a long time. I can't speak for him, but I know I've wanted love back in the picture. I miss "Big John". I miss the man I married. Unfortunately, I think there is just way too much resentment running through my veins & that man has been gone for way too long. It would take a "walk on water" miracle to save my marriage at this point. I believe in those, but....

Alright...I'm done for now.

Really time to start writing again...

So I had a fellow Atlanta gal inspire me to start blogging again. This is her blog http://flexfamilyarts.blogspot.com/ She will be featuring my Etsy shop on there starting the 30th. I'm super stoked. I've been working really hard on getting something going with my photography. Things are actually happening too! I have 3 places that have asked me to hang some work. Cameli's pizza ,  The Cherry Blossom Salon &  The Edgewood Corner Tavern . I'm excited, but I really need to start making some money to pay to frame these jokers. It will work out. I won't stop what I'm doing.

I am also in the process of getting things worked out so I can start working festivals. My bestest girl, Ashley, has offered to invest in me to get that going. Isn't she badass?! Next I need to find a babysitter to watch my boys for a few hours on Saturday mornings. Not sure they would chill at a festival;) Again, these things will work out.

I don't have the words to express how happy all this is making me right now. I may not be making money, but I'm doing things that set me on fire. Yep, very glad.

Flickr....

My Flickr page 

 Go check it out!

daisynconcrete | listagram

Hey if anybody was wondering, this is what I've been up to. It makes me glow! daisynconcrete | listagram

The Truth

Seriously, why do people feed you a bunch of bologna when something serious is happening? Reality is much easier to deal with when you are talked to honestly. False hope just makes it more difficult to digest. If the vet didn't feed me a bunch of bs I could've taken Rina...OK, I don't know what I would have done differently. It still makes me wonder why people feed you false hope. I guess they think they are protecting you. 

Now how am I feeling? I'm feeling numb. My brother has advanced cancer & is completely oblivious to how serious it is. Or how he breaks people's heart that love him. Going with my husband today for a cardiologist visit after an abnormal EKG. I'm sick & my dog I've had for TWELVE years just died. Twelve freakin years! 

Anyway, I'm going to attempt sleep. It's almost 3 am & I have to to try to digest all this craziness. Can't do that while delirious. 

Getting Back On Track

So I have lost myself worrying about others & not dealing with the things in life that make me happy. Simple things. Playing outside with my boys, thrift store shopping, photography, painting & all these new crafts I'm getting my hands into! I've been doing them, but I noticed that at some point it all became a distraction from my stresses. I have no control over fate. I have choices in life, but only when it applies to ME. Anyway, getting back to the basics. I'm sure the dudes in my house will be stoked about that;-)

.....RIGHT after I wrote that, the floodgates opened. I went in to meet John in the doctor's office. While there we found out he has the flu, which caused pneumonia, extremely high blood pressure (again), which cause them to do an EKG. We then found out the results of that were not good. She said she was very concerned with what she saw. Of course, my heart sank. She believes his heart has already been "damaged". Those were her words. He has to see a cardiologist. She used the word fatal & it did not make me happy. That is if he doesn't make some dramatic changes, which he will dammit! After walking out of there i turned my phone on to hear my brother's voice, telling me he got the results from the PET scan back. I called him. The cancer has spread to his para aortic lymphnodes & still in the lymphnodes of his groin area.  let me speed this up, mommyhood calls. Got home, dropped my phone in the toilet, after using it, quickly grabbed my phone, went to wash hand to find the water cut off. There is a hydrant gone mad on my street. My phone is fried. Went to pick up meds in drive through, didn't have all of it. Went to get Luke from preschool, then to get a new phone that I have no money for, denied since it was under the hubby's name. Wow, that didn't feel like I was below him at all;) Went to get the rest of hubby's meds, not ready. I was about to snap & I remembered I had an old tire. Haha,, yes, that cheered me up. I grabbed it & some rope, then hung it under a cool tree in our backyard. Luke thought I was the coolest mom ever. Really, it's cuz I am;)

That pulled me out of my funk. My husband & I actually had a good night together. I think it was a million times better because neither of us was stressing all he stressful things. I felt like a team with him... And we were both loopy:) Oh yeah!! I forgot to add the fact that before the tire swing, I got a letter in the mail saying Boone's insurance was terminated! These people are ridiculous!! Won't return my calls. It's OK, I'm doing my part & the rest God will take care of...

Postpartum Depression

You know, I've been seeing quite a bit of stories about a parent, usually mom, killing their baby. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart for sooooo many reasons. #1, I wish somebody saved that poor child! I also feel for the parent. Not always, but usually, it had to be due to ignored PPD. It was either ignored by the parent or a close loved one. If the parent "ignores" it, it's because they are scared of being judged. Scared their child will be taken from them. They also truly believe they would never hurt their child. The people close to them just don't understand how serious this type of depression can be. 

I can say this from experience. I'm lucky that I did have people I was comfortable talking to. People that understood I was a mother that loved her child with all of her heart. When I was pregnant with my 2nd little angel, I was scared. Scared as hell. I knew I couldn't go without professional help. I didn't know before getting pregnant again that it would most likely be worse on the second round. I also was dealing with my son, whom I've said before, is more than a handful. I was dealing with his out of control tantrums, night terrors, worrying about his tics & the fact that he stopped talking for a year @15 months. Anyway, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Long story short, I started therapy & went from there. Best thing I ever did.

I also want to mention that I know it's easy for loved ones to "ignore" that you need help. Everytime I told my husband I needed help or that I was scared, he told me I'd be fine. Said I wouldn't do anything stupid. That's the thing. Nobody usually thinks they are capable of harming someone. Forget about that someone being your beautiful child. The sad thing is, is that you DON'T know that. Go for long enough under enough stress on not enough sleep, you can snap. All it takes is a few seconds. You snap & don't even know what just happened.

I remember before becoming a mom how I wanted to burn these mothers at the stake. Now I hate that nobody listened or they didn't reach out. It breaks my heart. Not even to mention these poor kids!!! Ugh!

OK, I'm done. I'm done for now. It's just sad. I swear my next post will be more on the positive side;)