Moving on vs abandonment

My father recently told me he regrets how he handled some things after our mom died, but that he does not feel bad for moving on in his life. I could only bite my tongue a little. I'm having a hard enough time keeping it together over the fact that my younger brother is seriously ill. Anyway, I said that's not moving on in life, it's called abandonment. I mean, seriously. Paul & I were not a crazy ex girlfriend or wife he should just "move on in life" from. We were his CHILDREN; ones he completely abandoned time after time. He completely fucked us up and then when he found a woman to take care of him, while giving HIM this fresh new life, he threw us away over and over. HE fucked us up. If we were too difficult for more than a couple months he shipped us off. I can not believe he thinks he just moved on in life. To make things worse, as if that wasn't hurtful enough, he keeps bringing up stories about Adam and Evan. These are the sons in the family he "moved on" with. They were the same age as me & Paul too. He tells these stories and it's awkward. He even told one in front of Paul. Neither of us responded. These are stories that should be about us. Anyway, I've been focused on what's important and that is staying sane for Paul while taking care of him. I feel my issues creeping in though. Im allowing myself to feel anger. That may not be good, but it is just what I'm feeling right now. It's hard to look at my brother in his shape and not think about the butterfly effect of his life. Most were his choices, but I know he would have made different ones had he had one good parent in his life. When that one died way too early, we were left with a failure. One that had a huge impact on our messed up lives. His absence, his lack of love, his inpatient nature, his complete selfishness...

Moved on with your life...you're real piece of work.  

Yeah

I'm feeling anger right now

My heart

My heart is in a billion pieces right now. I can also feel this fireball of emotions whirling around in my soul, wanting to fly out of my mouth, eyes, ears, pores... 

I'm now not in the room with our brother, Paul. Tallulah needs help getting a nap and I can't stay alone in my head at the moment, so I write. John is on his way to take the kids...blah blah blah. Time to read some Ram Dass.

Mud Pies, Creeks n Such

More catching up photos. 

This is where I'd like to put some chickens. That way there are two walls already built, right there in the corner.

While the boys were fishing...

When it's warm in January...

Our see-saw.

Catching Up

These past couple of months have been seriously all over the place. I'm feeling like the tornado ride we're on is finally slowing down. That or my head is slowing down more & I'm more capable of dealing with it all. I'm just going to post some catch up photos today. And yes, they will not be in order, but they're all from the past couple months.

My boys got some haircuts recently...by me.

Ok now, THAT is a worm...and a marker stache. 

We burned out tree on New Year's Eve. It looks like a bird!

Merry Christmas, Eve!

I slacked on sending cards & that's ok. I put this together yesterday.

I came back to add last year's. It's crazy how much kids change in a year!

DIY y'all

This Christmas we have made the majority of gifts. We got a few things at the thrift store & bought the boys one special gift. The special gift is one we have been wanting to get & will be useful for years. 

So, while making gifts I have also made other stuff. We haven't really bought Tallulah clothes. We have gotten things here & there, but seriously not much. I have transformed some of the boys clothes for her, like shorts, to either bubble skirts or knickers, made her clothes from fabric/clothes I had & gotten hand me downs. Why not.

(This photo was a couple months ago)

Anyway, I haven't gotten a lot of photos, but here are some. 

B asked me to make him an orange hat. My sister shared her rad hat she knitted for my niece & it inspired me to make one out of an old sweater. He asked for a puffball, so I made one from yarn. 

          (Yes, B has a cast on his foot.)

It's hard to see here, but I added denim knee patches with yellow thread to L's greenish-blue chords here. He had worn right through those pants. 

This isn't the greatest photo, but I made some lavender harem pants for T. I used a sweater. I was pretty excited about these. 

I made these out of one of John's old shirts & a thrift store scarf (the knee pads). 

The thing I made tonight is a gift for john. I'll be waiting until after Christmas to share that.