Sunday, July 26, 2015

Moving on vs abandonment

My father recently told me he regrets how he handled some things after our mom died, but that he does not feel bad for moving on in his life. I could only bite my tongue a little. I'm having a hard enough time keeping it together over the fact that my younger brother is seriously ill. Anyway, I said that's not moving on in life, it's called abandonment. I mean, seriously. Paul & I were not a crazy ex girlfriend or wife he should just "move on in life" from. We were his CHILDREN; ones he completely abandoned time after time. He completely fucked us up and then when he found a woman to take care of him, while giving HIM this fresh new life, he threw us away over and over. HE fucked us up. If we were too difficult for more than a couple months he shipped us off. I can not believe he thinks he just moved on in life. To make things worse, as if that wasn't hurtful enough, he keeps bringing up stories about Adam and Evan. These are the sons in the family he "moved on" with. They were the same age as me & Paul too. He tells these stories and it's awkward. He even told one in front of Paul. Neither of us responded. These are stories that should be about us. Anyway, I've been focused on what's important and that is staying sane for Paul while taking care of him. I feel my issues creeping in though. Im allowing myself to feel anger. That may not be good, but it is just what I'm feeling right now. It's hard to look at my brother in his shape and not think about the butterfly effect of his life. Most were his choices, but I know he would have made different ones had he had one good parent in his life. When that one died way too early, we were left with a failure. One that had a huge impact on our messed up lives. His absence, his lack of love, his inpatient nature, his complete selfishness...

Moved on with your're real piece of work.  

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