So I woke up cuddling with my 3 year old thinking about my mom today. My phone was close, so I grabbed it to write this. Cuddling with one of my lil strength boosters still actually. A few days before Christmas I went to my best friend's family gathering. Her brother asked me how my brother was doing. I said not well since he was doing drugs & avoiding loved ones. His response was, "Ya can't blame him, can you?" I could have simply said, " Yeah, I get it.", but I didn't. I instantly said that I can blame him, that he has a child. I then went into how my mother died of cancer and didn't hide behind drugs OR booze. I pretty much went into what a badass she was. Don't get me wrong, I "understand" the thinking behind my brother doing drugs & avoiding fear/pain. I did the same thing for a very long time. Me writing this isn't about judging my brother's choices though. What my brother does & how he does it is his choice. It doesn't matter if I like it or not. Well, it matters to me, but that's life. We can't control all parts of it. My reason for writing was to share how that small conversation sparked many thoughts about my mom.
So let's talk about my mom. She died in April of '89. I had just turned 11 & was dealing with the whole fun puberty thing too. Hell, I had my first "aunt flow visit" a couple weeks after she died. That was interesting. My point is that the moments as a little girl, where I needed my mom still, started immediately. I've missed her on a pretty constant basis, hence the drowning of my emotions (didn't have a father around to help there unfortunately for all 4 of us siblings). I didn't think it was possible to miss her more until I had my first child. I had so many questions & needed so much support, but it wasn't available to me. I suffered through bad postpartum depression & just wanted my mom. It also stirred up thoughts of "oh my gosh, I can't imagine the threat of death while being a mother!!", like what my mom went through. I was reading the book "Motherless Daughters" during the many many hours of nursing my firstborn. It helped me to understand some of my emotions. Great book.
Anyway, after having my second child, my missing my mom just grew. Marital issues grew in my house (I wanted my mom), I had two boys that depended on me & I was still battling my demons. I fought though. I fought HARD. I, for a long time, had felt like there was so much learning I missed out on as a motherless daughter. I did, but I gained such a KILLER gift from my mom as well. She taught me that no matter how hard life got, fight, like, HELL! She fought tooth & nail for her kids and I can't let that go completely in vain. I also learned it can be done. I'm grateful to have gotten that stubbornness she had. My kids are my WORLD & I thank God I have them. They not only sparked my strength to fight my past from holding me back, but have helped me to realize I should love myself too. That we all, as a family, deserve to be happy. I'm thankful for my other strength boosters too. My sister, my best girl, my husband & others that come in my life to share their wisdom on obstacles vs strength.
This wasn't me bragging on my strengths either. I have many moments of shedding tears & wishing I was a "better mommy". I think we all have those moments. I'm just saying that I gained something great from my mom. Strength to never back down from obstacles in life. Not the ones that threaten my family's happiness, I mean.
Now here I am about to have my first daughter...ohhhh myyyyy, what emotions will stir now? ;) Kidding, I know a few. They're the reasons I believed I would only have boys! Regardless of what they are, I will learn from them. That means growth & I love growth. I will have many questions still, for my mom, but I was a little kid once. I have to just be the parent to them, that I needed for myself.